Bamboo and Bicycles: Heaven or Hell?

Living in Florida can be a mixed bag.

Witness the warning sign at the DOG WALKING area of a rest stop.

At least there was a warning, right?

But I was also warned about the hazards of planting bamboo in my yard.

I was warned over and over and over again.

"This is a clump bamboo," I was assured, "It won't take over your yard."

Yes it will.

I planted the clump and as soon as the summer rains started it immediately doubled in size and sent roots to...well...HELL.

At least that's what it now feels like as I try to extricate it from my property.

As I dig at Satan's root ball, I think of this cartoon from FaceBook:

Yes, it's hot down here in Florida but that affords us ample opportunities to participate in warm weather activities (here's where I tie in the "Bicycles").

Look at this guy's sweet ride!

When I saw his bike, I had one of those "Why didn't I think of that?!" moments.

The next day, during my weekly visit to WalMart-hell, I was almost swayed by this...

Check. It. Out.

Cool color!  Faux wood-tone accents!  And all the extras come standard: 

cup holder, BOOK RACK, WICKER BASKET!!!

Are you kidding me?!

But in the spirit of my little blog, I made my own:

This is my old Mongoose that I bought off the husband of a friend about 15 years ago.

Whenever I take it to a bike shop for maintenance and they start throwing me attitude, 

I haughtily announce,

"It's a PRE-WalMart Mongoose."

That shuts 'em up.  

AND it's got custom handlebars! Thank you W.F. for that little innovation.

I just added a cooler to the NON-wicker basket and stuck a G&T in the holder 

made for an electrolyte-replenishing beverage.  

Voila!

Enjoying my bicycle allows me to escape the Ranger 

which is quickly descending to "White Trash Hell"

Yup, you're seeing it right.

How can I complain when the weird cassette tape insert allowed me unbridled access

 to the original speakers for so many years?

Well, it's OVA!!!

Surely this will be featured on an episode of 

"Jury Rigging Gone Wild!"

(Hey, I didn't sign a consent form for that!)

Save me!!!

Florida's Malibu Resort (a review)

I like an "old Florida" motel.

The Malibu Resort in Redington Beach, Florida fits my bill.

It's a little out dated and run down and mismatched which adds up to a more affordable stay on a Gulf Coast beach...or rather, across the street from a Gulf Coast Beach.  Works for me!

The Malibu is dog friendly.

I just unpacked the dachshunds and they were good-to-go.

There is a "$ per dog per day" policy which I think only qualifies a place to be dog "tolerant" but the accommodating manager waived the pet fee since we were staying for a full week.

The rooms are small

but there's still plenty of space to throw a tantrum and pout

as demonstrated by Zach in this photo:

Small rooms and outdated TV's

meant the boys spent time

playing basketball on the little court behind the motel

or playing on the beach

or burning off LOTS of excess energy in the very clean motel pool

     The outdated TV's presented a problem when the boys wanted to play their XBox games (yes, they brought their XBox) but Jim, the manager, quickly hunted down a television with the proper cable inputs.  He mentioned that a TV update is on the horizon, in case you were wondering.

The usual cast of Florida characters

And these photos don't even include the guests!

There is a decent little Cuban cafe attached to the property and they will gladly deliver your order to your room or poolside chaise lounge.  I tore up their steak palomilla. Yum!

And every time I left the room...

...I felt like I was in the opening credits of Dexter.

Without the body count and all that horrible stuff.

Just the cool, "old Florida" locale.

The Fabled Mechanic

I CAN quit this Ranger...

...and I need to do it BEFORE it quits me!

     The time has come and I am taking my first, tentative steps towards buying a new, used truck.  I am the living proof of a cautionary tale for all men with daughters:  I know it's easier to just take care of their automotive needs without actually involving them in the process, but if you do, you risk creating the saddest of lost characters: a 49 year old woman who has NEVER bought a car.

Can I get an OMG?!

     My dad was the original owner of this 1995 Ford Ranger and then I "bought" it from him meaning, I wrote him a small check (to keep things fair amongst my siblings) and he handed me a few papers saying, "Sign here...and here..."  Done!  And the few vehicles I owned before the Ranger were also negotiated by my dad or ex-husband (I just handed over the money at the appropriate time).  

Here's the ex with the Ranger:

They both look a lot younger in this photo.

     So, as I begin my quest, I am already hearing the oft repeated phrase, "Take any car you are interested in to a trusted mechanic and have him check it out thoroughly," and every time I've heard or read this over the years, I've wanted to ask, with thinly veiled sarcasm,

Who is this fabled mechanic?

     I don't have a "trusted mechanic."  All of the mechanics I've dealt with are cagey and vague and can't seem to deliver a diagnosis that costs less than several hundred dollars.  My ex-husband WAS a mechanic and the auto shop tales he told confirmed every paranoid suspicion I ever had.

     And even if I knew a trustworthy mechanic, is he really going to drop everything to check out every vehicle I am interested in and do it for free?  Anything more than a cursory examination would take up a good chunk of his time (and mine!) so he would have to charge a fee for this service which would immediately outstrip my miniscule budget.

I don't believe in knights in bolt-on armor,

and, if such a mechanic exists...well, to paraphrase Michael Rapaport's character in "True Romance", these fabled mechanics are, "basically, guys I don't know and more important, they don't know me."

     Still, when I load up to go on one of my cross-Florida trips...

I'd like to look a little less "Grapes of Wrath."

Time to wade in and get dirty!

     

Prison and knitting

So began... and one Netflix marathon later... Ended

Season 2 of "Orange is the New Black."

     "Orange is the New Black" is one of those shows that I don't really like but I can't stop watching.  Not that I needed it, but I'm scared straight, in a couple of different ways.  Nothing about prison would work for me so I plan on never going there, yet the show put me in a brief, Netflix incarceration of my own making.  I followed Martha Stewart's lead (short of actually going to jail) by knitting my time away.

     I was definitely doing soft time.

This photo is not a setup.

     I opened my freezer to place the Diet Coke inside for rapid chilling and was greeted by this contraband tableau.  It's not all bad; see the whole grain bread peeking out from the back?

     Halfway through the season (watching it episode after episode in nearly unbroken succession) I took a break at the pool and was startled to see this young woman who appeared to be a character from the show:

     I briefly considered fuzzing out her eyes to protect her anonymity but decided that the facial and neck tattoos are fairly conclusive forms of public ID.  I spoke with her briefly and she was a lovely girl but you can't blame me for making the comparison.

     As night fell, I needed some white noise to drown out the sounds in my head: female inmates screaming at each other and tinnitus unrelated to the show.

The "Tropical Rain" setting on this Ipnos white noise app is the best!

(a review)

     My fevered brain is able to hear the end of the computer loop on a lot of white noise apps which only increases my agitation; or the apps featuring "rain" have thunder and lightening sounds (which scare me) or insect sounds (which scare me).  This "tropical rain" is smooth and perfect and cancels surrounding noises like a champ.  Every time I sign on, the app encourages me to upgrade to the 99¢ version but I'd actually like to downgrade to the version that only has "Tropical Rain" coz that's all I need.

On the final night of viewing

there was another prisoner in my house

I was birdsitting this rescued baby mockingbird for a friend and 

while you can see its anger at being locked up...

It was NOT on a hunger strike.

I cannot believe how many waxworms and crickets this tiny bird ate

 in the few hours I was caring for it.

     There is a scene in one of the episodes of "Orange is the New Black" where a character rants out a scathing description of bloggers.  I watched with a mix of emotions and thoughts.

       Am I a blogger?  I do write 2 blogs but...am I that blogger?  Should I feel embarrassed? amused? all of the above?

     As usual, I decided none of it applied to me because I am different and special.  

     I simultaneously finished season 2 and the shopping bag I was knitting.

Free at last!

This and that...

The quest continues

to follow up my fabulous $5 WalMart wine 

with an equally fabulous and frugal vintage.

Fail!!!

     This is the first time I've seen a red zin in a 1.75l bottle and maybe that should have been a warning and maybe the price tag of $9.96 should have been a klaxon but, not only did I buy it...

I bought 2

       The happy ending to this story is, WalMart gave me my money back for 1 bottle and I am drinking the other bottle as fit punishment for being such a cheapskate.  Lesson learned.

Drifting aimlessly through the store, I found yet another example of 

American abuse of Greek yogurt

     Even the engaging "A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum" font cannot convince me that this is a good idea.  And I KNOW Honey Bunches of Oats, having knocked back kilos of them over the years.  Not gonna do it.

     Every time I see the ad for this top-of-the-line dishwasher, I can't help but think...

If I could afford the time to line my dishes up like this in the dishwasher, 

I could afford to hire someone to do it for me.

An appliance I can handle

Have waffle iron, will travel.

     I've gotten my use out of this cheap waffle iron and the good times continue, even on the road for summer vacation (the pot underneath is providing a makeshift boost to the only available outlet).

  We are all open to the Waffle House concept of 24-hour treats but no boys allowed in the work zone!  After Mike made waffles in my absence, I spent about 30 minutes cleaning up the iron, the counter, and the utensils.  It's an art.

And the question remains...

Why?

This fake hanging plant was the nastiest thing in this nasty public restroom.

I really hated to squat under it.

So let's end with a mental palate cleanser

This orchid is several years old and has never thrived yet every year, like clockwork, it coughs out one stem of glorious blooms.

Good enough.

Examples of Superlatives

A Short List

And most of these will tend toward the biggest...

Biggest gourd

     I had just found the perfect cucuzzi frittata recipe when these behemoths got away from me.  I have found gourds this size "hidden" in the leaves.  Surprise!  Too big to eat at this stage but I should have lots of seeds to share this year.

Biggest pizza

Even surrounded by hungry boys, most of this pie went home as carry-out.

Biggest instruction booklet-to-device ratio

This is why I have not yet used my birthday GoPro.

Biggest agave

I posed a child in front of this monster for scale but I could've really shown off its size if I'd posed it with just the dachshunds.  I want my blue agave to grow this big.  

A girl can dream...

Biggest ball of twine...wait for it...

at the local, understocked hardware store

(superlative balls of twine can be a hotly contested category)

I wish I needed this much twine.

I'm mesmerized... 

Most creative use of popsicle sticks

"Edward Popsicle Hands": an even kinder, gentler creature.

Fiercest cat

This kitty was protecting my  truck from me.

Well...it might be for the best.

Loneliest dachshund

It's not as sad as it looks.

She just can't stand that a pane of glass is preventing her from begging for food in person.

Sweetest dachshund

Anyone who knows Lilly knows she really is this ridiculously sweet.

Best summer

(to be determined but I'm working on it)

"Paging Pat Mahiney..."

Haters gonna hate

     ...but this photo warms the, ahem, cockles of my heart.

     I found this photo of Tom patting Giselle's behind in a recent issue of People magazine, and I like it!  It doesn't hurt that I am a Patriots fan and I consider Tom and Giselle to be THE golden couple, but this pic was right in the harmless heart of People magazine and it didn't take long before I was imagining my butt (20 years ago) under that paw.  Thaz right!  Shades of who?

     Then I received the next week's issue of People magazine and opened it to this:

What the what?!

     Apparently this is the new photo pose du jour and I can't wait to get Mike up to speed.  We're gonna look so hot in the clubs!  (not, lol!)

     Ok, head out of the clouds and back to earth...the earth in the back of my yard.

     After some worried days this spring, watching strange, bloom-consuming beetles ravage my lemon trees, it appears they left enough for me and I will have lemons this winter.

     I froze a batch of papaya for the first time ever.  Internet instructions were very easy: chunk it up, cover with a light sugar water, and bag it.  Done!

     Will this flimsy chicken-wire cage protect my lone pineapple from marauding raccoons? 

 I'll let you know.

     A friend recently dropped by with a bag of sunflower sprouts for me.  Love!  I quickly ate them up in salads and smoothies and started my own.

     So far so good.  I'm hoping this will be a way to get some home-grown greens during the blistering, garden-felling heat of the next 3 months.  

Orchid Miss Joaquim from Singapore is at it again.

There's no substitute for real flowers.

In this mind-boggling arrangement, they've taken something real (loofah) and substituted it for something fake (big burgundy flower).  

Weird.

Road trip!

I headed to Deland with a fellow orchid enthusiast to visit E.F.G Orchids.  

     This is a small but intensely packed orchid and exotic plant greenhouse, with lots of variety tucked into all its corners.  I had trouble making it out of the first row because that's where I found a great variety of mature stanhopea orchids for reasonable prices.  The schomburkia orchids that I also like are a different matter.  The grower only had a few of them "mounted" on big chunks of wood for big money.  I even offered to leave the wood behind on a freshly mounted specimen (it had just been stapled to a piece of oak), and just take the plant in order to get a better price (I prefer to mount them my way) but the owner looked at me like I was crazy so I let it go and headed home to start an orchid piggy bank.

My attention is always getting pulled in so many directions but I finally sat down and completed a necklace:

     The pendant is piece of fossilized mammoth tooth that I found in the Peace River (my fossiling exploits are chronicled at zookeeperfossils.blogspot.com), paired up with wood, agate, and tiger eye beads.  

     I recently had a request for a custom bracelet from my Etsy store, SolOpsArt, and even though I couldn't make what the customer wanted (she requested wire wrap and my personal aesthetic prohibits wire wrap) I was inspired to add a couple of bracelets to my line.  Soon.  

But for now,

Summer is coming!

Happy hour?  That's a Happy Day!

I'm planning some beach time, lounging around with visions of Tom Brady's mitts...well, you know.